Sunday, November 16, 2008

seven directors that make me wonder how they're still able to get funding after all of their crappy projects.

what?

there are bad directors in the world?

you must be crazy. there's no such thing. people wouldn't let that happen. there's too much money at stake. millions and millions of dollars. seriously. production companies want to make good entertainment that uplifts and is well done. fans love movies. fans love good movies. fans love good movies directed by good directors. they wouldn't hire bad directors. it's not possible. your talk is crazy.

or is it?

maybe it's so un-crazy that it's blowing your mind.

word.

1. simon west.













infractions -

con air
the general's daughter

tomb raider


redemptions -

thus far, nothing comes to mind. he hasn't made a movie in awhile, but in imdb he's got a few on the way. sigh.


2. roland emmerich













infractions -

stargate
godzilla
the patriot

the day after tomorrow

10,000 bc

redemptions -

independence day was fun, but still poorly written and will smith being funny was the best highlight. but he can do that in any movie, and better. so even the redemption is kind of questionable. stargate became a pretty groovy tv show, but emmerich had nothing to do with that.


3. joel schumacher














infractions -

batman forever
batman & robin
8mm
bad company

phone booth
the number 23

redemptions -

falling down is okay. and he did the client and a time to kill, both of which are pretty good for crime-drama. people seem to like lost boys, even though i never really got into it. i don't really know of anyone who liked d.c. cab for real, but it's good to make fun of. oh, mr. t, and your cab driving shenanigans. hoo-ah. needless to say, his positives are greatly outweighed by his negatives. batman nipples anyone?


4. paul verhoeven













infractions -

showgirls
starship troopers
hollow man

redemptions -

again, not too many. robocop and total recall where cool when we were kids, but i've recently watched them in the last couple of years, and they're pretty cheesy. and not in the good way. the other way. the bad way. again, fun to laugh at. basic instinct i've never seen, but when the most praised part of a movie is sharon stone's you-know-what, it doesn't really sell it for me.


5. brian de palma














infractions -

scarface
mission: impossible
snake eyes
mission to mars
the black dahlia

redemptions -

the untouchables is probably this guy's best film in my opinion. but even then, he had kevin costner play the lead, and sean connery had the longest death scene ever. how does one get shot 84 times and survive for an hour while talking and writing? amazing.


6. james cameron













infractions -

the abyss
terminator 2
titanic

redemptions -

i really like aliens and true lies a lot. and i understand that special effects wouldn't be where they are today with out this guy. but man, anytime i hear him talk, he has a ridiculous ego, and he's really big into bad writing. titanic was soooo long and boring until the last hour when the ship actually started sinking and t2 is so not as cool as it used to be.


7. george lucas














infractions -

star wars iv - a new hope: special edition
star wars v - the empire strikes back: special edition
star wars vi - the return of the jedi: special edition
star wars i - the phantom menace
star wars ii - attack of the clones
star wars iii - revenge of the sith
indiana jones and the kingdom of the crystal skull

redemptions -

the original versions of the star wars movies. the three original indiana jones flicks. american graffiti. seriously, after indiana jones and the last crusade, he should have retired. i know he didn't actually direct any of the indiana jones movies, but his presence was felt. crackers!


i know a lot of you won't agree with how i feel, or maybe even care. but it is what it is. these guys are all pretty high profile, and the fact that they're able to make really bad movies and lots of people pay to go see them scares the poo out of me. couldn't their craziness be more useful on directing ron popiel infomercials?

4 comments:

Josh "The Tech" said...

You will leave Stargate alone, sir.

Unknown said...

i happen to take exception with a number of your "infractions" most noteably Brian DePalma who I think is one of Hollywood's most under rated directors, the only movie there I found dissapointing was the Black Dahlia. Also The Abyss and T2 are fucking awesome movies, you should not shit on my childhood. Robocop still rules. I also like Roland Emmerich, I'll give you The Patriot and 10,00 BC, but Stargate was dope, Godzilla was fun and Day After was enjoyable and you know ID4 was and still is the fucking shit.

Unknown said...

also, dude I know you know that George Lucas did not direct Star Wars V & VI or any of the Indy Movies. I realize he still licks nut sacks but since you were talking directors I thought I should point out one of these guys is not like the others.

Unknown said...

A New Hope < the other 2 in the original trilogy, obviously.

Independence Day 4 Life!